I’m here, climbing these steps in the gym. Kind of wishing I hadn’t set myself up at such a high speed. I’m already tired. I’m trying to act like I’m not actually dying, huffing and puffing up these steps.
I come here to feel good. To release stress. But I find myself even more stressed. I look to the person to my right. She’s going faster, she’s been here for 20 minutes, I’ve been here for four and I’m exhausted.
She’s got a bigger butt, leaner legs, probably a thigh gap too. Probably because she’s more determined. She’s better at this kind of thing. I’m not as good.
I go straight to the leg machines. If I have a nicer butt, toner legs people will notice. And sometimes they do. But then I wonder if that’s the attention I should be looking for.
Then it switches:
That girl, she’s wearing those leggings… but should she? Should I? That girl should probably do more squats. Oh, she gained some weight, or she lost a lot of weight. She used to work out all the time. Well, at least I’m ahead of her. But she, she works out every day. I need to stop being lazy.
When did other women become my enemy? Something to degrade to make me feel upgraded? An enemy I have created myself, in my mind.
When did I become my worst enemy?
When did something in my mind go off and say that I can belittle myself? Or others for that matter.
How did I get to a place where I lose confidence because I lack self-love.
I tell myself I do it to feel good. Exercise, eat healthily. But as I roam around the gym I realize my mind may not be in the same place as my heart.
These two thoughts come to mind:
Real, authentic self-love is hard. Be humble they say. Don’t be prideful. She’s too confident. Don’t overdo it. Don’t be too much Oh, and don’t be too little either.
Yet, be confident, be proud of your accomplishments, show people what you’re made of.
How is anyone supposed to live with these expectations? Is there even middle ground here? How can I balance these feelings?
These are all words I typed on my phone as I moved around the gym to different machines and places that would make me feel different feelings and emotions. I had to ask myself why I think such detrimental thoughts and why I hadn’t noticed it before.