Many of you are probably very unaware of this, but, a few weeks ago I applied for a job that was remote but required me to go to Indiana for an interview and then training. It was meant to be part-time. Something to do on the side of Real Estate. I was looking for a way to make some money considering being a real estate agent rarely means instant success. Oh, how I learned that one instantly!
Well, I got the job and was super excited about it and on my way to training in Indiana. I went to school there and so it's kind of a little home away from home... It's not really the place but the people there that make it feel that way. Anyway, I went to training, got to stay in a beautiful hotel and have some "me" time. Although as of late, too much of that seems to cause some trouble and unrest. Naturally, God knew that before me and the first night there, before my first day of training I stumbled upon a Facebook post from a DEAR, beautiful, sweet friend of mine that is rarely on social media and moved away for a while and I hadn't seen her for almost a year.
So, I Facetimed her. She didn't answer. A few minutes later she called back and I was so excited. Hearing her voice always calms me down and makes me certain that some good was about to happen. Turns out, she was home visiting her parents and she was 30 minutes away from me. WUT.
We screamed a little and then she stopped everything to come to stay with me. Your first time alone in a hotel in another state can be very lonely and a little intimidating so I was so glad to have her with me.
We got to talk. Together. In the same room. It was so good. I needed it way more than I realized. Let me tell you that this woman is one who encourages, loves, sees and respects me more than anyone else I know. She shows me how to love well too. And to always find a new perspective and keep an open mind toward everyone because we simply just don't know. We can't see them fully, so it's unfair to judge them on the little parts we do see.
We talked about feelings of failure, feelings of being alone and not enough. We talked about sadness and how hard it is to leave it behind when we wake up. We talked about how we want to understand it all and how silly that is. How we want to be someone else, someone more this or that, you can fill in the blanks. We talked about how it feels to be poisoned by the enemy's words, by our own words. We talked about the pressure from ourselves and society to be something. To always do something. To be a certain someone. To have it figured out and live a happy, fulfilled life.
She reminded me that when I ask to go back to "normal" maybe that normal that I want so bad isn't actually a good thing. Maybe it's easy and familiar but there's a new normal out there waiting to show me how much better I can be without this idea of normal.
She saw me and spoke to me and reminded me that God sees me. And that sometimes we don't really see him and don't have the full picture and that's okay because that's what faith is. She had so many wise, yet relatable words to share, as usual, and left me knowing I was capable and that it's okay if I don't go back to that normal, it's probably better that I don't in fact.
I went to training the next day and had a great time, it was fun and I loved the people involved. That night, another close friend happened to be in the area going through and stopped by as well. Many times, I want to be alone but don't realize that what I NEED is to be surrounded by people that allow me my space but never allow me to feel alone. God saw that and allowed for her and I to share some yummy, greasy pizza while talking about love or lack of it, sadness, failure, not being enough, expectations, reality, how to go from here... see a pattern yet?
God showed up and he did that in the form of two of my favorite people.
So, after training, I got home and cried. I didn't want this job. It wasn't for me. I couldn't handle the expectations (not a fault of the business but of mine). I hadn't fully seen what I was doing. I was trying to replace this empty, not good enough feeling with a job. One where I knew people wanted me and needed me. But, it would require sacrificing what I'm in now. Real Estate would be put on the back burner all for me to make some extra money on the side, to have a consistent paycheck because I thought that's what I needed.
When what I really needed to do was keep diving in. Keep working hard. Keep hearing the question "have you bought/sold any homes yet?" and saying no with full confidence that soon I could say yes if I keep on going. Keep investing in others and learning more skills. Keep educating myself so I can do the same for others. Keep loving others and doing my best despite my circumstances.
Keep on going. These are words I've heard God say to me over and over. And so that's what I'm doing. I'm loving that God lets me do silly things like apply for a job I will quit just to be embraced and loved well by certain people I need time with in my life. He lets me think I know what I'm doing just to remind me that he's the one in control. He lets me assume that where I am is not good enough but he never lets me believe it. He reminds me that he has me right where he wants me.
I can only imagine he thinks the same for you. So keep on going. You can do it. And know that you're not alone in a lot of the feelings listed above. So find someone to talk to and create a new and better normal than the last and take it one step at a time. You're right where you need to be. And don't hesitate to remind others too.
Need someone to talk to? Let's chat :)